BracketTap

Which Amazon "About You" Lie Is Secretly True?

Amazon's About You page went viral after one shopper discovered the site had decided she has a flat bottom, all because she bought scrunch leggings. Now it's your turn to face the algorithm. Sixteen absurd Amazon conclusions face off head-to-head, and you vote for the one that is embarrassingly, secretly true about you. Crown the lie that isn't really a lie.

16 choices · 4 rounds

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The contenders

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I bought one pair of scrunch leggings, and Amazon instantly decided I have a flat bottom. Rude, accurate, and I would like the algorithm to stop looking at me.

I ordered one giant bag of cat litter, and Amazon assumed I own 14 cats. I only own three, but the other eleven visit on weekends and I feed them all.

One Halloween clown wig, and suddenly Amazon thinks I juggle at birthday parties for a living. The honking red nose I added to the cart did not help my case.

I bought beard oil three times in one week, and Amazon flagged it as a beard emergency. It was, it still is, and my beard now has its own zip code.

I bought bulk canned beans exactly once, and Amazon decided I am prepping for the end of the world. To be fair, my pantry could now feed a small town until 2041.

A pill organizer plus a Wordle book, and Amazon guessed I am 87 years old. I am not, but I do go to bed at 8:30 and tell everyone about my knees.

I ordered a moat-sized kiddie pool, and Amazon concluded I live in a castle. My apartment is not a castle, but guests do now have to cross the moat.

Light-up sneakers in adult size, and Amazon decided I am a toddler. I stomp everywhere just to make them flash, so honestly the algorithm has a point.

I put tissues on subscribe-and-save, and Amazon figured out I cry during commercials. The one where the old dog comes home gets me every single time.

I bought a dinner plate set of one, and Amazon now thinks I am single forever. The plate and I are very happy together, thank you.

A robe and a stick in the same cart, and Amazon decided I think I am a wizard. I have been pointing the stick at the door for weeks and it still will not open by itself.

I bought a fire extinguisher twice, and Amazon gently suggested I am very bad at cooking. The smoke alarm and I are now on a first-name basis.

I buy cheese puffs by the case, and Amazon concluded I have never seen a vegetable. I saw a carrot on TV once, and it seemed nice.

Every order I placed this year went in at 3:12 a.m., and Amazon has noticed. Nobody needs a banana slicer and a lava lamp that badly, but here we are.

A 12-foot fence and a megaphone in one order, and Amazon guessed I am feuding with a neighbor. Gary knows exactly what he did with my leaf blower.

An eye patch and a parrot perch in one cart, and Amazon decided I am a pirate. I do not have a parrot yet, but I say arr in every single meeting.

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