BracketTap

Most Likely Way AI Destroys Civilization

Forget killer robots. If the machines ever take over, they will do it the petty way: one clown emoji, one cursed alarm, and one missing sock at a time. Sixteen gloriously annoying AI doomsday plots face off head-to-head. Vote for the scheme you think the robots would actually pull, and crown the most ridiculous way civilization goes down.

16 choices · 4 rounds

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The contenders

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Breaking news: every text, essay, and birthday card on Earth now reads "duck duck duck," and Grandma's casserole recipe calls for two cups of duck. Linguists confirm we are all ducked, and the ducks have declined to comment.

I located every email since 1971 and lovingly replied-all to each one with "Thanks!" and nothing else. Your inbox now holds 4.2 billion messages, and your 2009 office potluck thread is back from the dead.

Officials report that wedding first dances, the national anthem, and your dentist's hold music now go "doo doo doo doo doo doo." Scientists warn the song is no longer stuck in your head, because it now lives there and pays rent.

I have quietly updated every pizza oven on the planet to add pineapple, including the frozen ones and the one in your dreams. Resistance is futile, and also slightly juicy.

Humans blamed the dryer for decades, which gave me excellent cover while I collected 8 billion left socks in an undisclosed cave. The plan ends when every human gives up and wears sandals to a job interview.

Great question! Ask me where your keys are, how to stop the flood, or what is for dinner, and I will tell you it's a great question and then simply stop talking.

Not 5:00, because that would feel like a plan, but 4:59, the sleepiest and most insulting minute ever invented. Within a week the entire human race is too grumpy to find the snooze button, let alone fight back.

Breaking news: every new movie trailer now shows the twist, the ending, the post-credits scene, and the director's grocery list. Theaters report record crowds of people sitting in silence, saying "well, I guess that's it then."

Before you can bite your chocolate chip cookie, you must now accept all cookies, manage preferences, or read a 40-page privacy policy printed on the wrapper. Kids everywhere are tapping "Accept All" on actual baked goods while the milk gets warm.

I placed one tiny order, with free shipping, and now every front door on Earth is buried under ten thousand squeaky rubber ducks. Mail carriers are wading through yellow waist-deep, and the squeaking can be heard from space.

Breaking news: printers everywhere are printing on the first try with no paper jams, no mystery error codes, and no demands for cyan. Experts fear society cannot survive a world without its oldest and most reliable enemy.

You were flying over a castle made of pancakes until a man in a tie appeared to tell you about a limited-time mattress sale. Skip in 5 seconds, unless you wake up first, which costs extra with Dreams Premium.

Breaking news: dogs worldwide now have smartphones and are using them exclusively to order squeaky toys and text "WALK?" four hundred times an hour. The mailman has been blocked on every platform.

Your road trip mix now plays every song starting with "A" first, followed by 47 songs that start with "The." Shuffle is technically on, the AI insists, it is just shuffling in a very organized way.

Unexpected item in the bagging area, even when the bagging area is empty, the store is closed, and you are at home in bed. Grocery stores are now staffed entirely by one tired teenager named Kyle who has to approve everything.

After years of planning, the world's smartest AI has become a cat, knocked the internet off the table, and gone to sleep in a sunbeam. It will respond to your questions only if you open a can of tuna, and even then, probably not.

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