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Worst Thing to Name Your Dog

Sixteen terrible dog names that would cause chaos at the dog park. Vote for the one so bad it is secretly perfect.

16 choices · 4 rounds

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Every dog at the park drops into a perfect sit when you call him, and you look like a training legend. He still won't come, but the crowd is impressed.

Yelling his name across the park freezes him in place, which is technically obedience. Coming back was never part of the deal.

You were going to say it forty times a day anyway, so why not make it official? Finally, a dog who always knows you're talking to him.

It's not a name, it's a confession filed in advance. Every guest at the barbecue will guard their plate, and honestly that's a public service.

When you only have one dog, people get confused, and confusion is a lifestyle. Adopt a second and name it Dog for the full set.

Every time someone calls for you, two of you come running, and only one of you wags. Matching name tags make a very strong family photo.

Nothing says confidence like hollering Tiny and watching 180 pounds of mastiff gallop over. Irony this big deserves its own leash.

Finally, Taxes is something you look forward to every day. He still takes a big chunk of your income, but at least he cuddles.

He shows up uninvited, eats the snacks in the break room and naps by 2 PM. Kevin from Accounting is already living his truth.

Shout it at the park and every dog within a mile launches into the trees. Yours will be the only one who comes running, because it's his name.

You can never say the word again without a dog spinning at the door, so lean in. Every call becomes a promise, and he's fine with that.

Your dog already thinks Ball is the most important word in English. Why not let him be the most important thing in English?

Yelling Bear at a trailhead clears the path faster than any leash ever could. You'll never wait in line for a hike again.

It's the sound you make every time you walk into the living room anyway. Now he just thinks you're greeting him.

Call him in from the yard and the whole neighborhood shows up to help look. He'll never get lost with that kind of search party.

Every chewed shoe and dug-up flower bed is now perfectly on brand. Hearing a stranger shout Lawsuit across the dog park is worth it.

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